Grief and Loss as a Lawyer

Dealing with the grief of the death of a loved one is never easy, but as a lawyer, or a young professional for that matter, it’s stressful. As a lawyer, you’re put into a role where you’re expected to manage a whole bunch of files, and everyone is looking to you to comfort them through their challenges. You feel ultra-responsible for all of your files and for the assistants and staff working with you who also turn to you when something new comes in or a deadline is approaching. If you’re an associate, you also feel responsible to keep the higher-ups updated. When something else in your life happens, like the death of a loved one, everyone briefly tries to comfort you; they tell you that you can and should take the day off, but while you’re having grieving thoughts, you’re still concerned about the emails that are coming, and the deadlines that are approaching. Because as a lawyer, you’re dealing with other people’s pressing issues.

Unfortunately, I experienced the deaths of both my grandfathers in the same year, and I felt this need to be strong and to continue to work. I was understandably upset when I got the message that a family member had passed, but I tried my best at first to hide it and continue, because I still had a lot of other responsibilities to attend to. Time still runs even when you feel overwhelming grief. I was told to take the day off, as I would not be able to concentrate fully. But when I went home, I still thought about work, about how I would have a larger stack of work when I went back. I would try to do some work from home, although I was not entirely focused. I found myself making mistakes, like realizing I was using the wrong form, or over-contemplating issues.

Forcing yourself to take a few minutes to breathe is tough, because you’re constantly worried that if you do, you will fall behind; you can’t fall behind because you already feel behind, and if you miss a deadline you may be in trouble with your client or your firm or be liable in some way. You have all of these worries, and you feel like you don’t have time to break, but you also don’t have time to worry, and your coping method is to force yourself to work through the pain or distress you’re feeling.

While my clients were told when they called the office that I needed the day off due to a family death or emergency, I still had them emailing me about something new that had happened to them, asking what I was going to do next or how their file was progressing. I wanted to just shut down, but I couldn’t. People who come to you as a lawyer are real and have real problems too, and the world is still moving, but I’m dealing with things too… and this mental anxiety is building up, making me constantly stressed about everyone else’s problems. All of this is compounded by the workload I have l left behind on my desk or computer.

I’m not sure how other lawyers deal with this, but how can we allow ourselves to grieve and take the time to be human when we feel we’re expected to continue regardless and that we should be the ones helping everyone else grieve? Would you recommend counselling to a lawyer? To me, it’s not the stigma of a therapist that is the barrier, but the question of how I would fit that into my schedule. Wouldn’t the therapist tell me that I need time away or that it’s okay to take time off? Can the therapist tell me that there isn’t going to be a lawsuit waiting for me if I take more than a few days off or that my clients aren’t going to suffer if I’m not there for them? Would I be told then that I took too much on? You take on what you assume you can handle before something like the death of a loved one occurs, and if you’re an associate or a junior, you take on everything handed to you, right? Because you know they’re trusting you to get it done and to manage your own files and time.

In 2022, I lost my mother suddenly and over a year and a half later, I am editing this blog post to finally share how I’ve coped this time around. I remember messaging my co-workers and rushing home after the news… I remember how surreal it felt as I couldn’t believe it. Initially you have the support of family and friends around and you’re too busy dealing with answering everyone’s questions and making arrangements, and thinking about everything you have to do now… but that fades. Soon after the first couple of weeks go by, and everyone else is back to doing their own thing, you really start to break down especially when you’re doing something that the person who passed would’ve done. It’s okay though, it’s okay to cry hysterically sitting in your car in a parking lot or as you’re going for a routine drive because that’s how it’s going to be. That’s the pain of loss. I quit my job as an associate at the time, realizing that I needed more time and I didn’t want to continually worry about work while stepping away to help with my family or grieving at home and vice versa worried about my family and what we’re going to do while I was at work. Being that torn and split, whilst also knowing that there was the possibility that I might mess up one or the other while I lacked focus made me realize that I really needed to take this time away, so I quit. I felt that for the benefit and sake of my files and the law firm, to be replaced by another lawyer would be best, at the time.

I did go back to work for some time before I quit. I can remember one opposing counsel on a family litigation file I had, call me and cry over the phone with me as she shared with me how she had lost her sister not long before. We talked about how this profession sucked when it came to our own grief as she had found out a day before a trial. You will find some members of the bar empathetic, and others maybe not as willing. I unfortunately had another opposing counsel that refused to adjourn a case conference to allow me some more time to finalize the brief as I wasn’t able to complete it when I had spent the previous weeks of hell out of the office dealing with the personal matters when one passes even though we had just had a previous case conference less than 2 months prior but eventually opposing counsel agreed to one week adjournment and nothing more I was told.

This time I actually did go to therapy and I’m glad I did. I took advantage of the Members Assistance Program offered to members of the Law Society of Ontario, which allows you to have access to mental health resources and independent counselling. I got to have grief counselling sessions and meet with my therapist over video appointments. She helped me realize what a major turning point it is to lose someone like that, and to learn to discover who you are again as you are no longer really the same person anymore, or at least I felt like I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt lost, unsure of who I was and whether I knew what I want in life. A loss like that hits you like you don’t know what to do anymore and unsure of what you are doing.

This is my crazy grieving story and part rant about the profession in my journey. Let me know if you’ve gone through something similar or can relate and what you did in the comments below! Also, if you know the solution for young lawyers going through this, I’d like to read your suggestions.

P.S. Recently I read an article that discusses some tips to create “Resourceful grieving” and comes with 3 suggestions to try to manage: https://inlpcenter.org/stages-of-grieving-take-the-steps-to-a-resourceful-life/

I’d still like to know what you’ve done to cope though.