Loneliness, an emotive state you don’t need to be in

Throughout life, we go through periods where we feel alone even if we don’t have to be. The legal profession is no different. We tend to feel isolated when we have a difficult client or boss to work with, or an issue we don’t know how to handle, and the same thing goes for law students when it comes to assignments and studying for exams. As a law student you may feel completely unsure of what you are doing, how to do an assignment, how to make your notes or how to study for your exams and you’re afraid to talk to others about it because they might judge you for knowing nothing while confirming your inner self-doubt and thoughts about whether or not you should be here. We end up choosing to isolate ourselves then, or distract ourselves or pretend that we aren’t feeling the loneliness.

I remember when I was about to board a plane to go off to Australia for law school, I had just heard about the death of someone close to me. Then during first semester, someone else had sent me a message notifying me of another friend’s passing as well. The death of a loved one or the inability to find people who understands you, can leave you feeling isolated. Webster’s dictionary plainly describes loneliness as “being without companions.” It’s natural to experience an emptiness while longing for love or acceptance. Loneliness is therefore an emotive state that can be experienced whether or not one is physically alone.

It was Geoffrey F. Fisher who said, “In cities no one is quiet but many are lonely; in the country, people are quiet but few are lonely.” It’s this idea that you could be surrounded by many people but still feel lonely, just as in law school, you could have a large class but you may have no one you feel you can reach out to. If you’re studying abroad, you’ve left your family and friends you have grown up with behind and you don’t know how you could possibly tell them what you’re going through and hope that they understand.

There are times we may try to distract ourselves from our loneliness or simply try to hide our feelings. For example, in the legal profession, it might be going out to drink, and telling others that we’re fine even when we’re not and pretending that we are doing better than we really are.  Perhaps we’re going through life robotically, attending engagements with family but aren’t there and would much rather just stick through it then tell them what is really going on. We distract ourselves creating shallow relationships with people to hang out as an attempt at social interaction hoping that it will make us feel less lonely or more “normal” even though we can’t relate to them or feel comfortable developing a more meaningful relationship. In law school, although everyone is stressed, people develop superficial relationships by pretending to be okay, and feel that when they see others they feel they can’t express themselves or else feel weak. What is it that makes us bottle our feelings, yet seek out others without developing a relationship anymore than at a superficial level? Is it the fear that we’ll get hurt? Is it because we’re afraid we’ll be alone otherwise? Why not wait until you can find someone to develop a meaningful relationship?

Get in touch with yourself so that you can make conscious decisions rather than simply react to emotions. Appreciate the time you have to yourself. In time you will find yourself less lonely and fully present enjoying true companionship with others. Also if it comforts you, you are not alone in feeling lonely. One of the reasons Ginny Law Blogs exists, is to tell others striving to be legal professionals honestly that there are others who do understand and that you don’t have to feel isolated or alone in your career journey. Be patient, take time out for yourself, and perhaps you will find true companionship when you are ready to rather than seek distractions from your fears of being alone.